My Story
I’m Karen, mama to 3 boys, wife to Matt, and a follower of Christ.
Of course, I wasn’t always all these things. I did become a Christian when I was 12. I made my decision after being raised Catholic, then awkwardly transitioned to a non-denominational christian church. After finding Jesus in a very real way, my life radically changed. I couldn’t get enough of Him. I became involved in my church youth group, got baptized, was President of Bible Club at my high school, taught Sunday School, and had weekly “dates with Jesus” as I longed to deepen my relationship with Him.
After college, life got harder, more complicated. My dad was diagnosed with cancer, I moved away from my friends, family & church, relationships fell apart… My faith, that had been so lovely and sweet and easy in my teen years now began to flounder. A new boyfriend with some strange and different beliefs confused things even more. Doubt began to creep in. I scoured the scriptures and prayed through tears, trying to figure out how to get back to the God I knew.
Difficult years followed and eventually I left my home state of California for law school in Virginia. Surely the challenges of my past wouldn’t follow me across the country…
Then, my first semester of law school, at 24 years old, I got pregnant and chose to have an abortion. Me – the “good” girl, the Christian girl, the one who had silently protested outside of an abortion clinic when I was 17… now walked into Planned Parenthood, ashamed and embarrassed and making the choice I had never ever ever thought I would make.
My faith barely flickered, but it was still there, and God in His goodness and faithfulness didn’t give up on me. The world, at the time, had far more to offer me than the judgement I feared from other believers. In 2006, I met my husband Matt, an atheist, and I felt relieved when he spoke nothing but freedom and acceptance and love to me. After living together for several years, we got married in 2009.
A few months later, we quit our jobs and sailed from San Francisco to Australia on Matt’s 40-foot sailboat. At the end of that trip, I became pregnant with our first son and we moved back to the U.S.
The sailing trip re-activated my faith. There is nothing like sitting in the middle of the Pacific Ocean on a tiny little boat that will make you marvel at the wonders of God. I still had doubts but I was able to swallow them down and set them aside…. at least for a little while.
In 2019, I started writing a book with the intention of sharing hope and freedom with other christian women who had chosen abortion in the past. Just as I was preparing to send out query letters to agents, I had what I can only explain as a mystical experience and it brought me face to face with all of my spiritual doubts and fears.
Facing my doubts head-on kicked me into atheism for a while, then into agnosticism. But I didn’t want to give up Jesus. With the encouragement of a good friend, I begin looking into the early desert and church fathers and followed them into Christian Mysticism where I am finding freedom and a sense of genuine peace, though I am still unsure of about 99% of what I’m doing. I’ve been learning a radical new way of reading scripture, how to pray through meditation and contemplation, and I’m slowly developing a deeper understanding of what Christ represents.
I have wrestled with God and I’m now sitting here in a strangely comforting darkness, waiting for Him to further reveal Himself to me.
I have let go of my fundamentalist, evangelical beliefs and am in the process of “unknowing” so I can be open to experiencing more of God.
Believe me, it sounds crazy woo-woo to me, too, and myself from a year ago would have called me back-slidden, listening to false teachers, etc. etc. etc. I know all the arguments – after being an evangelical, southern baptist christian for decades, I have argued all the arguments! (And I’ve since read many more of them). But, the freedom, grace, and peace I have experienced in all the chaos of 2020 feels more like “God” than anything else I knew in my 30+ years of going to church.
If you are struggling with doubt, questioning your faith, or going through deconstruction, you can let go of everything and still hold onto Jesus. You can let go of it all and still find your deepest, truest self. There is an entire history and theology around a more compassionate, mystical Christ! It is terrifying to let your mind open to another way of seeing the life of Jesus, but I’m telling you, it’s amazing.
Stay with me on this journey. Don’t run off because I’m no longer speaking in the same language as the churches you were raised in. Come with me, be my shadow as I walk into this wilderness and face the fears and doubts we’ve all had. Dare to see christianity through different eyes. Dare to think about Jesus in a new way. Dare to wonder that He might be even more than you could ever dream or imagine. Dare to believe that the promises you read in scripture – about Jesus being with you always, and giving you true rest and peace – might actually be real. Dare to believe that losing your life, everything you think you know, could be the key to a soul-satisfying rebirth. Dare to read with curiosity and not fear.
And know that no matter where you are in this journey of faith, you are welcome here. This is a safe place for questions and doubts of any and all kinds. You are not alone.