The prayers that preceded the deconstruction of my faith…
Looking back, I can see the foundations crumbling even then…
December 28, 2015
Father, I don’t even know where to start. I am here tonight because I know I have to start somewhere. I’ve been struggling to pray – knowing I need this, knowing I want this, but failing to do it, feeling stifled and unable to speak the thoughts of my heart.
So often I find myself doubting You. Nothing has made me question my faith so much as having an unbelieving husband and thinking about teaching my children. In the midst of this, I ask, “is it true? are You true? Is Jesus really God? Am I an idiot?!?!” Yet, I can’t NOT believe – You explain the world to me, and the world explains You. I find joy in You, and hope and peace… I can’t NOT believe. But is it really believe if I don’t act? If You don’t permeate my life?
I am still ashamed of my faith, unwilling to wear it on my sleeve, unwilling to proclaim it boldly.
The biggest thing is that I still doubt. Despite all I say and do, despite what I tell people, I doubt. I question the truth. How do I live my life out loud when I am still not entirely convinced in what I say I believe? I used to believe unquestioningly. I used to feel anchored by my faith. I used to feel so confident in You… I want that again.
Habakkuk 3:17-18
“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crops fail and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, YET will I rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.”
Such faith… when nothing good is happening, when everything is falling apart and there is no sign, no provision, protection or care.. YET he will rejoice and be joyful…. and here I am struggling with joy, struggling to find the God in my circumstances, complaining about the barren trees and the empty fields…
Where is my joy? where is my faith? If not God, then what? Who? Myself? That is laughable. No one should have faith in me! I cannot hardly get through the most miniscule to-do list!
Lord, help my unbelief! grant me confidence and security in You. Help me to not be ashamed to say Your name and speak Your words. Help me to not be ashamed of who I am, who YOU made me to be! I have always been a seeker, always searched after You. It is WHO I AM. To deny my faith is to deny my essential self, the one who desperately wants to know You… and Lord, help me to know You more, to release my doubts, to long for with You….
January 28, 2019
God, I look at the first prayer in this book from nearly 4 years ago and feel sad that so little has changed – that I still struggle with unbelief and debt and marriage and parenting and knowing what this life is about. Sometimes it all feels so meaningless, like all we are doing – still – is fighting to survive, literally. All our concerns are simply about being safe for just one more day. It feels so basic. But what else is there?!? If we’re dead or suffering, what can we do?
This issue of unbelief has taken over my life. I truly am like a wave being tossed around on the ocean, going this way and that, double-minded. It’s awful. I want to just believe.
I wonder what it would be like if I just gave up my faith all together. What if I stopped going to church, threw away all my faith-based books, stopped being concerned about God and deleted/unfollowed all the faith instagram accounts, etc. What if I stopped reading my Bible and caring what You thought about what I did or said? What if I gave it all up? What if I left it all behind? What would my life look like? feel like? Would it actually be that much different, but without all the guilt? What would anchor me? What would give my life meaning? Could I do it?
Today, I can confidently say that your doubts are invitations. They feel scary because we can’t imagine “God” making us doubt or allowing us to doubt, or wanting us to doubt. But God has always invited people to wrestle, always invited questions; Jesus always wanted, so much, for people to understand him. We used to be told by the church that you didn’t want to have doubts, you didn’t want to be “lukewarm” and spit out of God’s mouth at the end times. Or maybe you were told that doubts were ok, but only as long as you kept your accepted answers to whatever you could find in the Bible – outside opinions (or science) were not allowed. But, I’m here to tell you that your doubts are actually invitations to go deeper into who you are, offerings to take you deeper into this mystery of life. It is not easy, going into that wilderness, but it is powerful and courageous, and there is love and light and peace – SO MUCH PEACE – and freedom to be found on the other side.
I did end up leaving my faith behind and letting it all go. And, I have found that essential self that I was so afraid of losing… It turns out that my faith, actually, was one of the things preventing me from knowing who I was at my core. {I wasn’t expecting that twist!}
If you’re having doubts, try embracing them. Try welcoming them. Try seeing them as love notes from God, asking you to go on a deeper journey. Don’t fall into the trap of believing that they are defects in you, like I did for so long. They are not mistakes. They are not “flaws” in your faith. They are whispers, suggestions that maybe you don’t have the full story, yet… that maybe there is more to learn, more to be {un}known, more to be received and revealed. I was afraid of my doubts for too many years. Now they are close friends, my gentle guides on this new journey, boldly leading the way and shining light into all those corners where certainty and judgements continue to hide. I freely give them voice and acknowledge their power now, knowing that their questions also hold their answers.
