What to do about Christmas after you’ve deconstructed your faith

When your christian faith has changed significantly, Christmas can be difficult. A time that used to be filled with familiar Jesus-themed music , church activities, and Advent readings, now looms quiet, empty, and without meaning. For some, there is great freedom in how to spend this holiday season. For others of us, it feels more challenging because we have kids or a spouse who are counting on us to make things merry…just like we used to. I cannot speak to everyone’s situation, of course, but I have found a few things that have been helpful to me as I navigate how to do Christmas when I don’t really consider myself a christian anymore (at least not in the usual sense).

First, own the truth that you can do – or not do – whatever you want.

You do NOT have to believe in Jesus in order to enjoy the festivities of Christmas. I’m sure we all know plenty of christians (or maybe we were one) who complained about how secular Xmas has become. And it’s true! And, now, that can be to your benefit. You do not have to carry around any guilt or shame or anger or bitterness towards the holidays – you can embrace them even if you no longer associate with the Christian faith.

You can also choose to do nothing. You can do the absolute bare minimum for your family. No one is entitled to all the energy you have put into Christmases past. You can bake some cookies, decorate a tree, and wrap presents and that’s it. Or you can do even less! You can explain to your family that the holiday is just too hard for you right now and you need to take a break from everything this year. My first Christmas after I began deconstructing my faith was awful. I was miserable, I felt angry and annoyed, but I made it through and now, for better or worse, I have zero feelings about Christmas… which allows me to enjoy the parts I like and ignore the parts I don’t.

We should also remember that not everyone even celebrates Christmas! Christians have bullied people into celebrating the holiday for centuries. Perhaps you might want to look into other winter traditions or activities and slowly transition to celebrating the winter season and not simply Christmas.

Second, if you are celebrating Christmas with your family, but feeling triggered or angry at the usual fanfare, here are a few other suggestions:

Winterize your home, don’t “decorate for Christmas.”

The Nester changed my attitude towards christmas decorating. She talks about creating a wintry environment that lends itself to the season, not just the holidays. She has fabulous tips for how to give your home a cozy, inviting feel, but without necessarily cluttering it with holiday-specific decor. If you don’t feel like putting up all that Christmas stuff, you can still honor the change of season and create that comfy environment for yourself and/or your family.

Listen to holiday music from other cultures and in different languages.

I LOVE my traditional Christmas music, but it has been hard to listen to these last 2 years. One thing I’m going to try this year is listening to holiday music in different languages. Some of the familiar favorites will come up, I’m sure, but I’m curious to see what else is out there! I also love the radio feature and playlists on Spotify. Search for “winter playlist” and there are a ton of options for every genre. Again, instead of “Christmas,” go “winter.”

Start a new tradition.

For as long as I can remember, I attended a Christmas Eve church service. No matter where I was, I would search out the latest service and go. I loved coming out of the church at night with our candles lit, singing “Silent Night” or “Joy to the World.” Maybe someday I’ll attend a service again just for fun, but not this year. I’m not sure what we’ll do – if anything – but I know there are several options: go looking at christmas lights, do surprise cookie drop-offs at friends’ and neighbors’ houses, walk Canyon Road in Santa Fe, decorate a gingerbread house with the kids, etc. etc. etc. Just because you’ve always done something for Christmas does not mean you have to keep doing it. One of the things I’m learning is that being so attached to the past causes unnecessary suffering and ties me to a version of myself that is no longer true. Sure, some traditions bring comfort and a sense of stability, keep those if you want. But you have the freedom to start a new tradition! To mix it up! To breathe new life and meaning into your home and family and self! And, I bet if you ask around, you’ll find that some of the best traditions came from messing around with the old ones! I know a family that once were unable to make their big traditional Christmas Eve dinner because several kids were sick. They opted to do easy, at-home pizzas instead. The pizzas were a huge hit! Now, they always make pizzas for Christmas – a new, fun, more meaningful tradition was created.

I haven’t yet decided how we will be changing Christmas in our family for the years to come, but I love some of the ideas here for marking the Winter Solstice. I think it would be fun to stay up late, have a special meal or dessert, maybe do sparklers or make clocks out of cardboard or paper and burn them in our backyard firepit, or have a poetry teatime by candlelight.

One thing I loved to do years ago was anonymous cookie deliveries. I remember when my friend Jenny and I made dozens of cookies, packaged them, and drove all around town selecting random houses to leave the cookies at. I’m not sure if that would fly these days, but it was so much fun and gave us such joy despite no one ever knowing who we were. This is something I really want to cultivate with my kids – random acts of kindness. There is this kindness advent calendar or this free printable one from Coffee Cups and Crayons, and more to be found with a quick Google search. If your kids are used to traditional Christian Advent activities, this could be a fun, easy way to shift the focus while still keeping the essence of the tradition.

AND/OR… Stop an existing tradition.

Just because you’ve been doing something for forever doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it. Like… sending Christmas cards, lighting Advent candles, doing shoeboxes for kids overseas, baking cookies, etc. Already I am feeling this resistance to sending Christmas cards out this year. I have always done them and this year I’m just really not excited about it. Of course, my first thought is “but everyone will be expecting them!” and “but I’ve always done it!” As soon as you sense any resistance, ask yourself why do I care? You may begin to notice that there are other things happening deep down like people-pleasing tendencies, lack of personal boundaries, fear of being left out, fear of being forgotten, grief over the fact that you’re not who you used to be. Letting go of a tradition can bring up a lot of feelings and memories. It’s ok to be sad and still not do the thing. The worst thing is to betray yourself for the sake of everyone else. Who cares if your aunt or friend from college doesn’t get a card this year? I’m sure they would rather you be happy and not complete the task than be bitter and resentful because you’ve guilted yourself (or been shamed) into doing something you really don’t want to do.

Part of the spiritual journey I’ve taken has led me through this idea of becoming nothing; of making myself unimportant. It has been one of the suckiest things I’ve ever gone through, but at the same time, there is so much freedom in taking yourself out of the equation. The world is not going to end if you don’t show up for Christmas this year. There may be consequences – people might be upset with you, you might be left off of future christmas card lists, you may disappoint others, etc. but this too shall pass. YOU are the only person you have to live with for the rest of your life. Be kind to yourself. Honor your choices. Honor your feelings. Don’t do something simply because you’ve always done it. Allow yourself to let it go. Don’t betray yourself by doing something you really don’t want to do this year. Ask for help if you need it, delegate the job to someone else, or just skip it completely.

Shop small and local (or not at all!)

As we are still doing presents and all that jazz, I am making more of an effort to buy gifts from small businesses and local vendors instead of worshipping at the feet of Amazon. It can be VERY challenging to find what we want in our little town, but I’ve been making the local rounds and have found a few wonderful items. If you’re doing gifts, it may make your Christmas feel more meaningful when you actually look into the eyes of the person or owner you are buying from, and if you know their story. A few of my favorite small online businesses who I’ve been following for a while or know personally are:

Betty Bluebird Homemade (her candles are amazing!)

Lindsay Letters – beautiful artwork, printables, and other goodies

Scott the Painter – super cool art and a more open-minded introspective Advent book

Naked Pastor – LGTBQ+ supporting cartoon prints, mugs, cards & tee-shirts, and soul-opening art (including my favorite “Holy are these ghosts”)

Grace Cook Studios – gorgeous, whimsical watercolor illustrations, journals, totes, etc.

Feel free to link your favorites in the comments! 🙂

You can also choose to not do presents. No one is entitled to a present from you, no matter what they say. Not even your kids or partner! It always helps to have a conversation about it first, of course, but remember that you DO have some control of your experience with all of this and if gifts don’t sit right with you, it’s fine to say that.

Practice being in the NOW.

The practice of being in the moment has been transforming my life. It just means being aware of yourself in a given moment and not looking back at something that happened in the past or projecting and anticipating the future. Just be in the moment you are in. I have a couple of ways I focus on this, but one thing to do is set your phone or watch alarm for every hour and each time it goes off pause and check in with your five senses: what are you hearing right now? what are you touching right now? what can you smell? what are you seeing right now? what are you tasting? You can close your eyes for a second and just tune into the sounds and sensations around you. Cynthia Bourgeault encourages us to ask “where are your feet?” It sounds so silly, but we can go all day without thinking about our feet, even though we’re using them. Once I check in with myself, I say, “in this moment, there are no problems.” Because 99.9% of the time, it’s true! The kids can be throwing a fit, the house a disaster, bills to be paid, but in the particular moment, everything is really, truly ok. I am alive, I have food and shelter, my body is ok, things are fine. There may be chaos all around, but for just a minute, I can acknowledge that life is good and I can have peace.

This intentional habit-training of not constantly looking back or planning/thinking ahead is life changing. It’s not easy, and I’m not exactly sure how to balance it with things I know are coming up. That part is still a work in progress! But it is so FREEING and peaceful to let go of past conversations, events, things you had to deal with, and also not let your mind jump forward to all the things you need to get done or those things you are excited/anxious/worried about or afraid of happening. In the middle of all of that, there is a moment called HERE AND NOW where there is peace for your crazy mind. I regularly remind myself “don’t look back, don’t project forward, just be here.” I encourage you to try it. When you’re worried about christmas dinner with your extended christian family, or worried about telling grandma you aren’t going to say the prayer, or afraid your kids are going to hate you for not playing Santa or baking a Jesus birthday cake or whatever, take a deep breath, feel your feet on the ground and say, “don’t look back, don’t project forward, just be here now.” Check in with your five senses and welcome that strange sensation that is peace disguised as emptiness.

Take the opportunity to dig into self-inquiry even more.

Leaving behind religious beliefs can just be the start of an even deeper personal growth journey. Notice when you’re feeling triggered or jealous or grieved, exhausted, overwhelmed, frustrated, bitter, angry, filled with joy… pay attention to those moments and ask questions about it. What is it exactly that is bothering you? What about this moment made you feel that way? There is so much more to exploring your personal depths and encountering all these difficult and challenging moments during the holiday might be the opportune time to investigate yourself further. All the triggers are right there! Might as well dive in!

If you would like support in walking through this, I’m offering a mixed bag of spiritual companionship and awareness coaching at KnowTrustGrow. It’s my way of being a support and guide to others during this often confusing and lonely journey of deconstructing faith or wanting to go deeper into who you are. You can contact me via that website or here at karen@inspiredtofaith.com if you want more info.

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No matter how you choose to celebrate – or not – remember that you are NOT alone in this. There are a lot of people out there who are in this same situation, trying to make sense of their spirituality and traditions and faith in the midst of doubts, deconstructing, and atheism. I encourage you to not judge yourself. Feel all the emotions, grieve the changes in your faith and in your life. Hiding it or pushing it down or not accepting it isn’t going to do you any favors. Allow yourself to grieve the death of your faith and the person you used to be. But I will also challenge you to not stay there. There is more to life to be experienced and delved into! If I can say anything positive about the Christmas message, it’s this: Amazing things can come when you least expect them. Beautiful experiences can come from a crappy situation. New life can burst forth in you when you’re not even sure where it came from. There is love waiting to descend on you, we just have to keep on keeping on.