Advent for those deconstructing their faith - Day 12

I have to say that this new way of life here in the wilderness, where everything seems – to me – to be a bit of a free for all, is kind of nice. For one, I’m not feeling nearly as guilty about everything as I used to. I’m throwing around curse words and sassy speech left and right. I’m being angry and sad and angsty and sarcastic and reckless without giving it a second thought. It’s so liberating!

I’m testing the waters – exactly who am I without my faith? Like trying on new clothes to see what fits and what doesn’t. I’m able to cast off the weight of judgment a little easier now, but the coat of social justice isn’t quite comfortable, yet. I can toss wordy prayers out the door but I don’t really understand how to see the world through a non-dualistic lens. I can peel off the layers of legalistic thinking, but none of the other ideas and beliefs I keep trying on will fit right – they’re either too tight or too big, and nothing feels good. So, despite my efforts, I’m left standing here, naked. No wonder I’m feeling so free.

That said, now I understand the real vulnerability of going out into the world when you’re not wearing any labels.

The emperor is looking fine in her new clothes.

It’s hard to stand strong when you’re only recently convinced in your heart that being naked is healthy and beautiful and a sign of spiritual maturity and a step in a positive direction… but everyone around you is whispering that you’ve lost your mind… and you look in the mirror at your naked soul and think, nothing has really changed about me except that I am not dressing up in all the layers society and religion and self had insisted I wear. You wonder, am I really all that different?

That’s one of the worst parts – not being sure; not being 100% confident that being naked will take you further on this path than all that extra weight you were carrying.

You’re thankful that you’ve finally admitted those old clothes no longer fit, but now you are unprotected, untethered, unraveled, and while it is liberating, it’s also scary and so freaking vulnerable.

This is it.

This is me.

You’re seeing yourself for the first time.

Words to contemplate:

All That Baggage, II
When I let go of all that,
like letting a heavy sack
drop from my drooping shoulders,
God has room
to be God within me,
and I wonder what I thought
I needed
with all that baggage in the first place.
Meister Eckhart, “Book of the Heart: Meditations for the Restless Soul” (as collected and translated by Jon M. Sweeney & Mark S. Burrows)

The 2020 Advent Series