Advent for those deconstructing their faith – Day 11
The wilderness has been my home for such a short while and, yet, I find myself desperate for something to cling to already. I find myself wondering, “does this mean I’m an atheist now?” or maybe I’m agnostic? It seems so comfortable for me to just slide from one set of ideas and beliefs right into another. I try to catch myself, because I don’t just want to substitute one rigid way of thinking for just a different set of equally legalistic beliefs. I know I need to give myself time to continue to work through all of this… to uncover all the ways my past faith had ingratiated itself into the very fiber of my being. Even this, this struggle to not box myself in again, is a remnant of that old principle that I have to believe something!
Right?
We’ve all heard it before – you’ve got to stand for something or you’ll fall for anything.
Well, I’ve fallen, that’s for sure.
My immediate reaction is to reach for something to hold onto, label myself again, find a new place to belong (which is really what I’m wanting – a community, a group, someone else to tell me that everything will be ok and that I’m welcome with them…). But inside, it all feels slippery. I realize that I’m not ready, yet. I’m really neither here nor there. One foot still a little bit in that old world, and not quite fully committed to…well, whatever this next thing is.
I feel as though I’m sliding into nothingness, slipping deeper into the wilderness: terrified of the unknown, but unable, and unwilling, to go back to where I was.
Words to contemplate:
Your Soul’s Delight
There is a journey
you must take.
It is a journey without destination.
There is no map.
Your soul will lead you.
And you can take nothing with you.
Meister Eckhart, “Book of the Heart: Meditations for the Restless Soul” (as collected and translated by Jon M. Sweeney & Mark S. Burrows)
The 2020 Advent Series
