Advent for those deconstructing their faith - Day 3

God, sometimes it seems like I’m the only one who is struggling with these doubts and these frustrations. It makes me feel like I’m the crazy one, like I’m the problem. I sit in the midst of others who seem so confident and assured in their faith, and feel like an outcast. They all seem so convinced that they are right, that they have figured out the mystery that is You.

So, why do I feel so disappointed and discouraged and confused and frustrated and worried about my own faith? My own faith is the same as theirs… or is it? It used to be… I don’t know what changed or exactly when it started changing. But, I know that I want to be as confident as they are. I want to feel that deep assurance that I’ve gotten it right. That, at the end of the day, I’m not going to be truly cast out.

But, that’s part of the issue I have – that there is a casting out. Is that really how this works? That it all comes down to what we say we believe? And those who won’t say and act the approved way (according to my very white, very middle-class, evangelical principles), will be left behind? I mean, I say I believe in You and your son and your salvation and all that, but it’s a battle to make my heart and mind reconcile it all together. I can’t seem to get my brain on board with believing all that is true, and my heart struggles to believe it when I pray and read and pray and read and nothing seems to change.

Am I the only one? I feel like such an outsider. I can no longer read the same books or sing the same songs or pray like I used to, because it all seems so empty and… fake… and like the plot of some story that has worn out its magic and fascination.

Is this the end? Is this the end of my faith? I am clinging to You, holding on with white knuckles, so afraid that these last shreds of belief will not be strong enough to keep me here…. and then what? They say that You never let go of us, but what if I no longer believe You exist? I feel a falling away, a falling backwards into some dark chasm, and the fear of not knowing You grips my heart and inspires in me a sudden rush of renewed love and need. I refuse to fall back and, instead, fall to my knees, once more begging for Your Spirit to refresh me again, to renew a right spirit within me, to please, please, please take away this unbelief.

I believe, help my unbelief!

My ego cries out in anguish with another desperate attempt to inspire a spark of faith into a passionate flame, while my soul quietly stands by, watching my heart break, knowing the truth – I don’t really believe anymore.

Words to contemplate:

You are not an answer…
There is no Why in You,
and so I must learn to trust
that You are not an answer
to my questions but rather
the source that is true before
every question I ever had,
and the love beyond every
answer I will ever know.
Meister Eckhart, “Book of the Heart: Meditations for the Restless Soul” (as translated and collected by Jon M. Sweeney & Mark S. Burrows)

The 2020 Advent Series