Identifying your core values – Step 4

This is a 5-part series on how to identify your core values. I am defining a core value as a primary motivating factor that influences your decisions in every area of your life. Please note that this is not a process whereby you just pick a value you want to focus on. No. This is about looking at what is already there – the values that influence your decisions, often subconsciously. If you are just stumbling upon this, you can read my first post in the series and then start working on Step 1.

YOUR TASK: Define your core values and make them work for you!

Now for the final step: take your list from Step 3 and take a few minutes to define each term for yourself. This is not about dictionary definitions. For ex. The term “Family” for me might mean that my husband’s and kids’ needs always factor into my decision-making. However, “Family” for you could mean that it’s important for you to be close to your family and to spend a lot of time with them. Just ask yourself, “what does this word/phrase mean to me?”

This was my list from Step 3, and I’ve added my definitions.

• belonging to a community of friends: I want to feel so accepted and valued among a group of people that we enjoy being together – and seek to be together – outside of an organized activity or environment
• convenience: doesn’t require a huge amount of time or effort that I am not willing to expend; easiest possible solution according to what I am looking for
• feeling confident: I want to feel secure in my choices and be prepared to handle whatever comes at me
• time: being mindful of how certain activities, tasks affect my ability to do other things and to invest in the things I believe are important
• family: I can’t live life solely on my terms; I always have to take into consideration what my husband and kids want/need
• control: having the ability to make the ultimate decision about things; having authority over how I spend my time/energy; having influence over others; determining the ultimate outcome of something

After you’ve defined the terms for yourself, see if you can spot any similarities or notice if any of them work together. With my example, I can see that “feeling confident” really is more about my having control over a situation. I want to make my own choices and be able to handle the situation… so, really “feeling confident” is more about feeling in control. I can also see that “convenience” is actually an element of time.

I will narrow my list, then, down to this:

• community
• time
• family
• control

Depending on how specific you were able to get in Steps 2 & 3, you should be able to narrow your list down to 5-10 values.

THESE ARE YOUR CORE VALUES! These are the factors that influence nearly every decision you make.

Now this doesn’t mean that you don’t value anything else or that these are necessarily the most important things to you in the world. Remember, my definition is different than most. These are the primary motivating factors that influence you! These are the factors that most affect what you do and how you behave.

Now, how can we make these work for us?

Make another list. (Yes, I love lists!) This time, write out 5-10 things that you are unhappy about in your life or are having difficulty making a decision about. Here are some examples: trying to lose weight; joining a gym; homeschooling or not; being in a Bible study; keeping your job; moving closer to family; getting up early every day; running with a friend; joining a book club; getting a divorce; going back to school; cooking healthier foods.

Now you will check each item on your list against how it relates to your core values.

I’ll take the example of having joined a gym. In my mind, I’m angry at myself because I joined a gym but never go. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I make it a priority??

• community: Being at the gym makes me feel lonely. I never see anyone I know and it feels dumb to spend an hour of my time at the gym when I could use that time to get together with a friend
• time: the gym is 20 minutes from my house. By the time it’s all said and done, nearly 2 hours of my day are wasted for a 45minute work out.
• family: the gym doesn’t have childcare for my oldest so I either have to find a babysitter or go late at night after my husband gets home from work
• control: I like that I get to do what I want to do at the gym

Going to the gym really only satisfies ONE of my core values. No wonder I never go!

Here’s another example: I’ve thought about moving closer to my family, but it’s such a huge change, I’m not sure what to do.

• community: even though I’m leaving friends here, my best friend and lots of friends from high school still live in that area. There is already a regular game night me and my husband could be part of; I would be able to return to my old church!
• time: it’s a smaller town so we could be closer to work and the kids’ school. We wouldn’t have to spend money and time to fly home for the holidays because my parents live near us!
• family: my kids would be able to have a stronger relationship with their grandparents. Husband and I could actually go on date nights or weekend getaways because my parents could watch the kids; the kids are young enough that they don’t really have strong established friendships here and could easily start school in a new place without much trouble.
• control: there is a lot I wouldn’t be able to control. I’m not sure if we could get the same size house we have here, if the jobs would be the same… I wouldn’t be able to homeschool because we would need an extra income so I’d have to give that up…

Moving to be near family hits a lot of the core values, so chances are, moving would be a pretty good option.

BUT – at anytime one of the core values could be so critical to our happiness and sense of well-being at the moment that it overrules everything else. In this example, maybe the inability to control so many things like jobs, income, housing, and school choice would totally overwhelm everything else. So, even though everything else seems to line up, there is A LOT under that “control” value.

It’s not a perfect system, since nothing ever is, but I guarantee that once you begin to look at your life through these lenses, you will see more and more how the parts of life you are struggling with right now are missing key elements of your newly defined core values.