My story of deconstruction: The Confusion before the Storm

Following that initial McDonald’s incident, where the question “Is all of this true?” threw me headlong into wrestling with my faith, there was a strange period of quiet. I felt sad and angry, but mostly confused. What was that voice?!?! Was the question asked by a demon? Was it my own doubts finally getting the best of me? Was it Satan himself? Was I on the verge of such an epic opportunity to speak light and life into women’s lives that the very chief of demons felt compelled to interrupt my efforts?!?! Was this a test? Was this God allowing me to experience some challenges to see if I was really up to the task of doing what I believed He was calling me to do? And why was this happening to me just as I was writing a book, which I’d been wanting to do since I was 5 years old? Why did the biggest dream on my bucket list have to get messed up like this?!?! WHO was responsible for ruining this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to write the book of my heart? Was this spiritual warfare??? (mmmmmm…..But, what if I don’t believe in that now?)

And, yes, I was very concerned that I could not discern between my voice, Satan’s voice, and the voice of God. As someone who had been a devout Christian for 30+ years and believed that God had revealed Himself to me and I’d had a relationship with Jesus, it was incredibly disconcerting to feel like I had no idea who had spoken to me this time.

If this was spiritual warfare, I wanted to face it and address the question of truth. As I had in the past, I started watching Youtube videos and reading articles discussing the reality of a historical Jesus and whether the resurrection actually occurred. My approach was more along the lines of “is Christianity true?”

Consequently, I came across N.T. Wright’s books “Simply Christian” and “Simply Jesus,” so I ordered and read those but still wasn’t satisfied. It felt like I was playing around with the questions… not giving into them enough. Like I was still making too many assumptions and giving my faith too much credit.

Christmas was coming and I had none of the joy of previous years. I could hardly read the typical Bible stories to my kids because it all felt like lies. The whole charade of Christmas was empty. As though I was playing pretend in someone else’s life. It scared me that my faith could be rocked so completely by one little question. It was worsened by my believing that I had placed myself solidly in scriptural truths, when, in reality, I must have been teetering on the edge if I could be shoved off into the void so easily. I couldn’t trust myself, I couldn’t trust the Bible, and I couldn’t trust God…especially when I no longer felt sure that He existed.

But, I continued to play along: I went to church, I tried to pray, I wrote in my journal, I thought – a lot – about my faith and what all of this meant. The one thing I did NOT do was work on my book. That voice had put an immediate halt to my writing.

As I scoured the internet to see if anyone else had experienced anything like this, I stumbled on a strange word: “deconstruction.” Curious, I began researching more and felt like someone arriving late to the party. Wait… THIS was what all that Rob Bell stuff was about back in 2011? I’m not unique in asking all these questions? There is a whole “emerging” church out there walking away from evangelicalism? THIS is why my conservative christian friends won’t read Jen Hatmaker or Rachel Held Evans or Sarah Bessey???

Oh! I was so relieved!!! I had a diagnosis! There was a name for this dis-ease: deconstruction. Of course, mainstream evangelical Christian sites like The Gospel Coalition and Christianity Today don’t really approve of deconstructing one’s faith and there have been numerous articles written talking about how bad it is and how negative it is and why we should avoid people who are doing it and how they will lead us down a disastrous path.

I get it.

That’s EXACTLY what I probably would have said a few years ago: It’s not a good idea to hang around people who are calling into question things you’ve believed your entire life.

But, despite all the articles I read about it being a bad thing, I was elated when I read about deconstruction. Finally, I had a term to search. Finally, I had discovered a community of like-minded people. I became a woman possessed. I read everything I possibly could find about deconstruction – what it was, who was doing it, how you did it… There was a huge sigh of relief. I wasn’t crazy. I wasn’t backslidden. I wasn’t alone.

But, although this new information, this new term, comforted me, I still felt confused by what was going on inside of me. I didn’t really want to let go. I was too afraid of what it would mean to my life to walk away from Christianity. I thought, at the time, that it was black and white. Either I was a Christian in the sense I’d always been, or I wasn’t. How could I walk away from a lifetime of bible study and christian friendships and reading my bible a certain way, and leaning on the teachings of my pastors, and listening to KLOVE… I mean, seriously!!?!? What music would I listen to if I gave up KLOVE?!?!?!? and Family Life Radio??!? Just months earlier I’d been sobbing and lifting my hands and praying out loud at a Bethel concert (before I knew how controversial they were). Who was I without my praise and worship anthems?!? (Raise a Hallelujah, anyone?) How would I understand life without my biblical worldview as given to me by the Southern Baptist and CMA Churches, John Piper, Ravi Zaccariahas, Christine Caine, Beth Moore, Lysa Terkherst, and Jen Wilkins!?!?!

Who was I without my evangelical christian faith?

Now, looking back, I’m sad – and surprised – that I had lived my life as a Christian for 30 years and, yet, still wondered what I was really like underneath the religious facade. Until then, I would have told you 100% that I was one and the same: that what you saw on the outside reflected who I was on the inside and, to an extent, that was true. But this time in my life revealed how many layers I’d piled on in the name of Jesus.

I like to think that most people go through this weird time of confusion after the invitation (or yank) into deconstruction, where they are trying to figure out what has happened to them and how they feel about it. Everyone’s deconstruction journey is so different, and I share mine here because I want other evangelical Christians who are going through this to know that it’s ok; that all these questions and revelations and confusions and identity crises are ok, and you will survive and come out the other side with a deeper insight into Christ (if you want), or a more loving, inclusive worldview without all the religious baggage (which is great, too).

So, my third step in this deconstruction, was to sit in the temporary confusion of what the heck was happening to my faith and me, and taking time to consider who I was – or might be – if I didn’t have my evangelical beliefs to keep my sinful self in check.

The first stage of grief is usually denial, and this was it. I didn’t want to accept that my faith was over. I didn’t want to accept that I couldn’t return to who I had been for decades. I didn’t want to accept that life as I had known it, was over.

But it was.