My story of deconstruction: “Accidental Calvinism” (are we followers of Christ or denominational fan-clubs?)
A friend of mine is a Methodist Minister by training and a christian mystic at heart. He has always been a solid source of wisdom, comfort, and guidance for me since I met him when I was in high school. A few years older than me, he brings a wealth of experience and knowledge to any spiritually-related question I have.
Last year, while I was in the throes of writing my book, I sent him a message ranting and raving about mainstream christian views on abortion, gay marriage, and a handful of other things. I was talking about the idea of “sin” and what evangelical christians have decided it means and whether there’s a heirarchy to sin or not, etc. His response caught me off-guard. He said,
“One key is our understanding of God. Some traditions (Calvinists) tend to emphasize God as righteous King, while others (such as my Methodist tradition) emphasize God as loving Father. Both, of course, believe the other position as well, but their emphasis is different and, so, works out in a belief in limited atonement (Calvinists—God as King pre-ordains some to salvation and others to damnation) vs. universal atonement (Arminian/Methodists—God as Father empowers everyone to be saved). That also works out in an emphasis on judgment (guilt of sin) vs. emphasizing grace (forgiveness for sin).”
Now, if you’re not familiar with the different branches of christianity, this is kind of confusing. BUT – the thing that ricocheted inside my brain was that our views on faith are drastically impacted by what particular denomination we’ve been following. Now, this is not a grand revelation by any means. Of course our worldview is affected by the denominational teachings. But, even though I knew this, it had been a really long time since I had considered HOW the preaching and teachings of the denomination I was participating in were forcing my beliefs into a certain box.
Like my friend said, the understanding of “sin” is not universal. Each religious group defines it a little bit differently, which can significantly change how YOU see “sin” and define it. Again, I knew this, but I was so engrossed in my little church world that I had failed to take a step back to consider that there were other perspectives out there.
And there ARE. (Which is great news for those of us who are leaving modern, mainstream evangelicalism but still want to pursue our faith.)
After I read my friend’s words, I realized that I had become an accidental Calvinist. I didn’t start out that way – or, at least, I don’t think I did – but the people and congregations I’d been drawn to over the last ten years had been largely of that bent, even if they didn’t outwardly proclaim it. As you know, churches don’t generally advertise themselves as “Calvinist” churches. You have to dig a little deeper and know church history and theology before you can really read a church’s “statement of beliefs” or doctrinal creed and know exactly how they’re leaning.
So, I started researching this difference between Calvinism and Arminianism and, honestly, I still don’t completely understand the nuances between them. What I came across, though, were multiple blogs and articles of people who had decided that Calvinism was “too cruel” and that the teachings didn’t align themselves with a gospel of love. I’m not commenting anymore on that, although it led me down a road of wondering how much of my beliefs – the ones I’d already been questioning and doubting for years – were truly worthy of being questioned! This short exchange with my friend started the wheels spinning in my head of how many of my beliefs I’d accidentally acquired…? What was I now believing that I didn’t really consider and consent to? What had I been taught – and accepted – that didn’t actually mesh with what I knew to be true? How many of my beliefs were purely denominational and not purely biblical? (and yes, there is a difference).
So, once I allowed myself to wonder whether all of this stuff I believed was true, I could also start looking into what I believed that was merely due to my particular denomination (southern baptist/calvinism/armenianism/methodist/church of christ/mormonism/catholicism/presbyterian/lutheranism, charismatic, etc. etc. etc.) And, I could ask myself – who was my allegiance to – JESUS or a belief system???
What this helped me see was that I had acquired these beliefs on accident, without thinking about them. I accepted them as truth when they were only true of ONE specific group of thinkers. It’s like asking a dog owner what their favorite pet is and then believing for years that dogs are the only pets there are. Then one day, you meet someone with a cat or a fish or a guinea pig or a bird, and you think “OH MY GOD! You can have a pet other than a dog?!?!!?!?!”
Just like that, a pastor stumbles upon a doctrinal belief he thinks is true and right and good, then he starts a church and teaches everyone else that doctrine. Soon, people start to 1) forget that other options exist; 2) start preaching that doctrine as though it’s their truth; and 3) want to convince others that all other doctrines are wrong. Again, I’m not putting anything new or mind-blowing out there, and I’m sort of surprised that I didn’t get this long ago, but I am solid proof that we can become so caught up in our community of faith that we become nearly immune to all other points of view.
So, how many of your beliefs are purely DENOMINATIONAL? If you walked into a different church, would they be teaching the same thing? Would they define “sin” the same way? How about “salvation”? What do they say about what the cross stands for? How do they feel about the doctrine of “original sin?” And, the biggest question, can you consider that maybe they are no more right or wrong than you are? Can you challenge yourself to wonder if maybe their perspective is the better one?
It might go against EVERYTHING you’ve ever been taught. And it certainly feels heretical and scary and like something you won’t want anyone else to know about. But it’s also kind of thrilling and refreshing and will let you know in a hot second just where your pain points are. You might say you’re ok with taking communion in another church but when the priest starts to raise the wine glass and chanting in Latin, you suddenly have to go to the bathroom. Or you might say you are ok with a female pastor, but when she takes the pulpit and begins her sermon, you sense a tightness in your throat and feel yourself dismissing half of what she says…
Right now, due to CoVid, many of us can’t or don’t want to step foot in any church building, let alone one that’s not ours. But, we can start reading about our church teachings. We can look into what other faith traditions say about our core beliefs. This may feel like inviting disaster, but what if it invites freedom? What if it inspires a new vision of the world? And what if it reveals to ourselves that we have become affiliated with a way of thinking and believing that doesn’t actually align with who we are or what Jesus taught or what the Bible really teaches?
And if everything in you is saying that this is a bad idea – investigate that, too. Why are you so scared? What underlying beliefs do you have that tell you that other people are bad/wrong/scary/untrustworthy? Why do you feel the need to cling to these ideas out of fear? And ultimately, how do YOU determine what is true and what does it even mean that something is true?? How much does the truth matter to you, really? If you say it matters A LOT, are you willing to even entertain the notion that you might believe something that is not true? Are you being loyal to Jesus or are you being loyal to a specific set of doctrinal beliefs, regardless of whether they align with Jesus’ teachings or not?
As Richard Rohr puts it, “Authentic God experience always expands your seeing and never constricts it. What else would be worthy of God? In God you do not include less and less; you always see and love more and more. And it is from this place that we lose any fear we have about entering into discussion, prayer, and friendship with people of other faith traditions.” If you think about how Jesus lived, this is so true. Jesus was all about including those who others excluded. He was about addressing those things that no one else wanted to talk about. He challenged views of the Old Testament scriptures. He countered “Moses said” with “Well, now I tell you…” He sought to expand the views and understanding of the religious authorities. And those who listened to Him, He praised and welcomed, and He rebuked those who continually refused to see how BIG His God really was.
In a huge 180 for me, the idea of “truth” in faith is starting to become a lot LESS important to me. Whereas the “truth” in other areas of life, like science, relationships, personal development, the news, etc. is becoming MORE important. I used to be emphatic about the “truth” of scripture. The “truth” of teachers, churches, bible studies… And, over this past year, as I’ve been deconstructing my faith and unknowing myself and my concept of “God,” the verse “the truth will set you free” is taking on a different, new meaning.
Overall, this felt like a major second step in my deconstruction – identifying exactly what I believed and why I believed it, and if it was only because a particular denomination had told me that it was the truth. Then I looked into how other christian traditions viewed the same things and realized there was a whole spectrum of thinking on these things. It felt like I’d lived my whole life in one little town, not knowing there was anything beyond that – and then I was shown the world, and the beauty and wonder out there for the taking.
