What to do when you don’t know what to do

**Note to self: Read this whenever you are driving yourself crazy trying to make a decision.

We all have made lots of important decisions in our lives. Where to move, where to attend college, whether to have kids, who to marry, what job to take… And, many times, the hardest part of those decisions is that we were choosing between good options, there were pros/cons to both sides. I have spent countless hours agonizing over those lists of pros/cons and trying to figure out which ones I cared about the most. I studied “What color is your parachute?” in an effort to decide what career path I should take. I have probably spent several years worth in prayer, begging & pleading with God to open doors and show me which way to go. “Just pray about it,” they said. “Ask God and He will show you,” they said. “What does the Bible say?” they said. “Have you prayed for a scripture?” they said. “Have you talked to your pastor?” they said.

Not one single person ever mentioned the ideas of consolation and desolation to me. Not one single person ever talked about the concepts of integration and disintegration* with me. Not one person ever gave me concrete, practical – yet spiritual – advice as to how to discern between multiple worthy options.

So, listen up.

Ignatian principles of discernment.

Read about them.

Study them.

Live them.

Mark Thibodeaux does a fantastic job of explaining Ignatian Discernment in his book “God’s Voice Within – The Ignatian Way to Discover God’s Will.” When I first read through this book and learned about these principles, I was SO ANGRY. Why had no one in any church I have ever attended once discussed these ideas? Why weren’t these concepts being taught in Sunday Schools, youth groups, and Bible Studies across all denominations? WHY HAD NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT THIS?!?!!?!?!?!?

So, here I am, telling you, and reminding myself.

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How to discern between the influences of the False Spirit and the True Spirit

St. Ignatius of Loyola lived in the 1400’s. He did not start life as a saint, obviously, in fact, quite the opposite. But after some key life events, he devoted himself to understanding the will of God and is sometimes referred to as “the world’s first psychologist.” One of the things he is known for is his approach to discerning the will of God. He believed that all of our thoughts, emotions, and actions are moving us either closer to or further away from God and God’s plan for our lives.

He believed that there were two main spirits at work in our lives – the “False” spirit, and the “True” spirit. This is not just another way of understanding the “Devil” and the “Holy Spirit.” In general, you can think of the False Spirit as being “anything (i.e. any influencing factor) that draws me away from God and from God’s loving plan for the world.” So, this could include childhood/trauma, psychological baggage, destructive experiences, unfortunate circumstances, etc. The True Spirit, then, is the opposite: any influencing factor (including the work of the Holy Spirit) “that draws me closer to God, towards His plan, and towards a deeper sense of faith, hope, and/or love.”

When people are under the False Spirit, they are in a state St. Ignatius called “desolation.” Thibodeaux summarizes it like this,

I am in desolation when I am empty of faith, hope, and love, and empty of the sense of God’s being close to me. And I am in desolation when I am filled with some combination of disquietude (restlessness) and agitation, boredom and apathy, fear and worry, and/or secrecy. (pg. 16)

Conversely, Thibodeaux describes “consolation” – or the state of one’s soul under the True Spirit, like this:

I am in consolation when I have faith, hope, and love; the sense of God’s closeness; peace and tranquility; great desires; transparency.

For the sake of convenience, I am going to highlight a few quotes/passages from Thibodeaux’s book, only citing the page numbers for reference. These are the things that stood out to me.

“I know that I am in desolation when I find myself preoccupied with the small: petty resentments, irrational worries, superficial pleasures, or low-reaching goals.” (pg. 17).

Questions we can ask ourselves: “Did my actions today give me greater trust in God, in the church, or in the God-given people of my life – or did they lead to unproductive and paralyzing doubts? Have the feelings I’ve been experiencing lately lead me to greater optimism for the future and deeper confidence in God’s providence – or have they led to despair and forgetting that God will take care of me no matter what? Have the things that have preoccupied my thoughts today really led me to greater love of my neighbor – or have those thoughts coaxed me into isolation, secrecy, passivity, or aggressiveness?” (pg. 18)

“{Desolation causes one to} lose his perspective of the ultimate goal of life, which is defined…as ‘praise, reverence, and service of God, our Lord.’ The confusion of desolation causes a person to get bogged down in the details of the journey while forgetting the ultimate destination.” (pg. 25)

“The opposite of life is not death, but tepidity, tediousness, boredom, blandness, indifference, lethargy. None of these feelings is from the True Spirit.” (pg. 28)

“Most of all, we fear ourselves: our unreflected-upon emotions and our secret desires, our strongest attractions and our deepest repulsions.” (pg. 30)

“When fear is in our hearts, chances are we are not focused on what God is saying to us… I am in desolation when I become preoccupied by false futures of impending doom.” (pg. 30)

“However, all throughout those years, I was troubled by a notion that I should be ministering to the destitute out in the missions somewhere. I say ‘troubled’ because it was not so much a great desire as much as a feeling of guilt for all the things I had in life. I felt guilty for being happy and guilty for having a comfortable home and three square meals a day. I also felt guilty for ‘wasting’ my precious young priesthood on the wealthy rather than the poor… this guilt, as opposed to desire, was a strong indication that it was not from the true spirit.” (pg. 38).

“A good Christian might be in false consolation when he is attracted to something holy that happens to be: the wrong mission for this particular person; the right mission but the wrong timing; and/or the right mission but with the wrong methods, emphasis, or degree of involvement.” (pg. 41)

“If the false spirit has me confused and disoriented, I can often cut through the confusion and mess by asking myself in prayer, What is the most loving thing to do? What is the most hopeful thing to do? What is the most faith-filled thing to do?” (pg. 47)

“The peace of consolation is not peace ‘as the world gives,’ which is merely the state of no conflict. Rather, the peace of consolation is the state of being at peace specifically about the various agitations and temptations of my life.” (i.e. it not peace from the absence of conflict, but peace within the conflict.) “I may on the surface feel terribly upset, angry, or sad at the {unpleasant and unredeemed} aspects of my life, but I have a sense deeper down that God is working through even these difficult parts of my life.” (pg. 51).

“A consoled person does not sweat the problem, because she understands that this is a normal part of human experience and a healthy, perhaps even necessary, stage in good discernment. She is confused about the situation, but she keeps it in perspective.” (pg. 54)

“For now, we can say that a sure sign of the presence of the true spirit are the holy desires that inflame my heart to do good in the world….When I am in tune with God’s ever-creative love, I, too, have that passion to create, that desire to bring forth new life.” (pg. 55)

What all of this means for making decisions

Part 2 of Thibodeaux’s book is really about discerning the spirits and what to do when you find yourself under the influence of one or the other. It’s such a good read. Even as I am typing all these out and flipping through the book again, it is pulling me in, reinvigorating me to read it again. Probably once a year for the rest of my life would be a good idea.

Once you’ve discerned what’s going on with you, there are suggestions for what to do while you’re in that place. For ex. if you are in desolation, try to identify and resolve the desolation first. Don’t make any major changes or decisions if possible. Talk to someone, seek wisdom, pray. Zero in on what has been causing such discontent in your heart. Even if you can’t resolve things completely, try to get your mindset into a better place. If you are in consolation, continue to grow, to practice silence and prayer, to practice gratitude. Consider what is helping you stay in a place of consolation.

In Part 3, he offers St. Ignatius’s practical steps for using this idea of consolation and desolation to lead us in making decisions. The first thing suggested is to identify our first foundation and principle. For St. Ignatius, this is obvious: Man is created to praise, reverence, and serve God our Lord, and by this means to save his soul. The other things on the face of the earth are created for man to help him in attaining {this goal}.

Therefore, for St. Ignatius, “our one desire and choice should be what is more conducive to the end for which we are created.” In other words, which option will most enable us to better praise, reverence, and serve God?

This, of course, begs the question we all must answer – what is our purpose? What is the over-arching purpose of the choice that I am making? Oftentimes, we may find that what we think is simply a career move is really about our need for recognition and esteem. Or that a choice to sacrifice something is really about our need to control a situation. Identifying this underlying purpose can feel impossibly hard, but it is important for the next step. To help us, Thibodeaux offers an exercise where you start with the phrase “God created me to …” and move from the general to the specific. Like this:

God created me to love and serve him. I love and serve him by loving and serving my family. I love and serve my family by providing for them financially. I provide for them financially by working as a lawyer. I love and serve God as a lawyer by offering reasonable rates for people, being compassionate, and serving my clients during hours that are convenient for them.

Thibodeaux then suggests that, “for each vocation you name, recall the moment God called you and the moment you said yes.” This can help you narrow down the purpose for the particular decision you are facing.

This next step BLEW MY MIND. It makes so much sense and yet I’d never heard anything presented in this way. After you’ve decided your foundation and principle, St. Ignatius says, We must make ourselves indifferent to all created things.

INDIFFERENCE.

NEUTRALITY.

Thibodeaux writes, “Why discern at all if I’m not actually open to more than one possibility? But to be indifferent, I am even more than open to other possibilities – I truly desire to follow any of the perceived paths so long as it leads to God’s greater glory.” (pg. 147)

The notion behind this is that we have to get completely silent and neutral in our hearts and minds in order to let God’s spirit and the spirit of consolation sway us one way or the other. If we’ve already sort of decided in our minds or the confusion inside of us is so loud we can’t hear anything else, then we will not be able to discern that still small voice whispering in our ear which way we should go. Obtaining this neutrality, this detachment is H.A.R.D. As you sit in prayer or silence, you will notice all kinds of “buts” and “what ifs” careening through your mind. I’ve often said that I can talk myself into and out of something in less than 30 seconds. As soon as one pro pops up, a con jumps out to take its place. You will realize that even though you may say you don’t care what happens, if you sit still long enough and listen to your inner self, you will probably see that you are wrong.

This principle of indifference was easily the most profound aspect of discernment I took away from the book. Just like so much else of what I’m reading, it is all about AWARENESS – awareness of our attachments, awareness of our concerns, awareness of our fears and apathy… and LETTING GO – surrendering all of those things, giving them up so we can become available for something better and something more true.

Thibodeaux spends the rest of this section laying out the discernment process, which is best read on your own.

But how will I know what to do?

Eventually, Thibodeaux puts it all together:

This, then, is the pinnacle of my discernment. If I have faithfully journeyed through my discernment process, there will come a moment when peace and the life-giving energy of pregnant possibility will accompany one of these options. There will be a moment at this point in my discernment when I sense a transcendental peace and tranquility and an undeniable yes that pulses through my veins every time I imagine myself going with one particular option over all the others. All the other options will begin to fade and, on their own, will become ever distant in the horizon of my pray-dreams. (pg. 176).

The thing about this process of Ignatian discernment is that it doesn’t leave you filled with vague notions about what you’re doing or how to do it. There are concrete steps to take, prayerful stances to aim for, mindsets to consider. Reading this book, I feel seen, like someone is saying, “I see you struggling with this decision, and I am going to hold your hand and walk you through a practical and spiritual way of thinking about it.” I don’t feel brushed off by the “just pray about it” comments, even though a huge aspect of this process is prayer. I don’t feel a sense of condescension by those who may say, “really, this isn’t that big of a deal,” even though a large part of this is accepting that any decision you make probably isn’t as life-altering as you think it is in the moment.

Right now, I am in utter desolation in one area of my life. It is embarrassing how clearly some of those desolation descriptions apply to me. I feel that sense of paralysis and doubt. The problem looms larger than it should. But I am afraid to let go.

So, I am returning to this book, to this process. I had forgotten about the foundation/principle thing, so I need to do that. I have been sitting in silence, staring at and touching the objects that represent this problem, trying to talk myself into a stance of indifference. It feels silly and ridiculous to be this angsty over something, and, even that, I recognize as desolation. I think I know the steps I need to take to move into consolation, but there is so much fear and uncertainty I am having to work through.

Are you struggling with a decision right now? Are you trying to discern what the right thing is to do? You are not alone, my friend. Even if that struggle is about whether or not to give up your faith in God. Even if the questions you have are ones that feel devastating to your faith. No matter what your faith or what your decision, I hope that learning about Ignatian discernment can provide you with some guidance as it has been doing for me. We are on this journey together.

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*I mentioned the idea of “integration” and “disintegration,” which are somewhat related to this discernment issue, and I’ll be talking about those in the next post!

** Just fyi – If you purchase the book through this link, I will receive a small kickback from Amazon. I did not, however, get any compensation for writing this. My only reward is finally having some guidance for decision-making after decades of making thoughtless and stupid decisions.