God and the Coronavirus
I’ll be honest – Bible verses aren’t bringing me much comfort these days, and I’m not really sure how to pray. For a person who has called myself a Christian for the last 30 years, it feels kind of weird.
The Coronavirus has thrown us all for a loop. The world is facing significant uncertainty right now – with our healthcare systems strained to the point of collapse, our personal lives suddenly unhinged and chaotic, and our economies playing it fast and loose – people don’t know what the future will hold. Will our lives go back to “normal” after this? Will things be forever changed? While we don’t want to be alarmist, this is something that none of us in these generations have ever experienced before. I’ve seen some comparing it to WWII with rationing, etc., but at least then we had a specific, identifiable opponent; A horrific, cruel regime that became a common enemy. This is a different kind of conflict. This coronavirus isn’t something we can see. It’s not something we can attack with the weapons we all understand. Stay at home? Don’t shake hands? Bleach all surfaces? What kind of a strategic battle plan is that? The strongest sword we can wield is our absence from society. The shield that will protect us best is simply our avoidance of everyone else. Our armor is hand sanitizer and face masks and elbows that open doors.
What kind of war is this?!?!
And, for many, their #1 weapon in times like this is prayer. Petitioning the God of the Heavens to protect and provide and heal and empower and redeem.
Over the past 6 months, though, my faith has fallen apart – albeit in a shockingly good, healing way. I am still figuring out how to move forward, though, with this different, less exacting point of view. Consequently, the scriptures that once brought me comfort now sound cliche and without real conviction. And, the main thing that has changed, is that I’m now allowing myself to admit that. It’s not that I no longer believe in their truths but I am accepting and acknowledging that saying a prayer or reading a bible verse just doesn’t do much to address the real fears and doubts in my heart.
The amazing thing – and it really is hard for me to believe – is that I have more peace NOW than I did when I was clinging to those words.
What is hard, and harder to explain, is that everything feels slippery. Part of me wants to reach out and grab back onto those concrete ideals I had in the past about exactly who God and Jesus are and what the Bible means and what I can know about them. Another part of me is grasping for some new ideology that I can sink my feet into to declare as the right and true way. But in my current state, all these ideas and beliefs and creeds simply slide right through me, and I feel simultaneously devastated and relieved that I cannot hold onto any of them.
Thinking about the coronavirus as this strange, new, unseen and unknowable enemy, and how the war against it is forcing us to embrace unusual and counter-intuitive tactics, has made me think about our approach to God as well. For so long western Christianity (and myself included) has treated God as this very knowable, highly understandable, and particularly-pleased heavenly entity. We are confident in who He speaks to, how He speaks, where He can be found, and how we can make ourselves acceptable to Him. We know what His rules are, how He wants us to live, what He hates, and what we have to do to get to where He is. But, what happens when our questions and doubts and fears are no longer eased by what we’ve been taught? What if our religious tactics and strategies are no longer providing the hope and confidence we need? What if the spiritual battles we are fighting can no longer be won with the same arsenal of weapons we’ve relied on in the past?
Just like the coronavirus is forcing us to pull back, physically self-isolate, and challenge the way we approach our everyday life, perhaps the deeply hidden wariness of our faith is God’s way of calling us to a different kind of relationship… One where He invites us to spiritually pull back, intellectually and ideologically self-examine, and all-around challenge the way we approach our understanding of Him.
I wrote a post a while back about how Faith can look like questioning, and in it, I made the comment that God is big enough to handle our difficult questions. But, the truth is, I hadn’t really, fully jumped all-in with those hard questions. I believed what I said, 100%, but I hadn’t really tested it. I was scared of what would happen. However, a few months ago I did. I started right at the beginning – Why do we even have this concept of a “God”? Why/how do humans exist? Where/how did life on earth originate? Things I had researched before, but never from the perspective of someone on the verge of abandoning her childhood faith. For a few days in January, I was an atheist, and consequently had an intense compassion, appreciation, and understanding for how my husband thinks. Then, after reading about the various theories for how life came into being, I morphed into an agnostic. Now? I’m looking at Jesus with fresh eyes.
And here’s the thing – my faith has changed, a lot. But, it’s a good thing. I have an overwhelming sense of FREEDOM. A lightness. A release of a massive weight I didn’t even know I was carrying. I had been SO AFRAID that finally turning and facing my doubts head-on would leave me flattened out and lifeless. And while I am still feeling my way through this cloud of unknowing, yes there is confusion – but there isn’t the fear and angst I was sure was waiting on the other side. Strangely, what was waiting on the other side seems an awful lot like what Jesus meant when He said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matt. 11:28 (NIV). Or, as The Message modernly translates it:
Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.
Now, getting back to this Covid-19 situation… It is terrifying to face something like this head-on. People everywhere are panicking and worried. It is scary to see the world as we know it be put on hold – and perhaps, for some, destroyed completely – all in the name of an unseen enemy. But, the beauty of confronting it is seeing neighbors and families come together in more meaningful relationships, reaching out to each other for support using real words and voices (not just texts), and reconnecting with people in emotional, tangible ways. The goodness of humanity is still alive and well, and this virus is uniting us in ways that policies and tenets simply can’t. And just as I believe that we will get through this pandemic, though maybe living different lives than before, I now know that we really can turn and face God head-on with our fears and doubts and questions, and find Elohim, The Divine Love, YHWH, miraculously, lovingly, still there, hiding us in the Shadow of His wings.
