How honest can we be – really?

Today I lost it with my kids. I completely blew my top and let my temper fly. Maybe even worse, my first concern afterward was not for my kids or their hearts or our relationship, but whether or not my neighbors heard me yelling (and I’m 100% sure they did.)

I felt so ashamed.

Anger runs in my family. I sat under my father’s unpredictable temper for 24 years and swore that I would never be like that with my own children. And, yet, here I am.

Recently someone asked what advice I would give the younger me, the soon-to-be-mama me. My first thought was something to do with control over your kids being a laughable illusion. But after what happened today, I changed my mind.

I wish someone would have told me to heal my wounds first.

Instead of spending all that money on books about parenting and babies and sleep training and baby-led weaning and breast-feeding, I wish I would have sat in counseling for months airing all my dirty laundry and working through my past hurts so maybe I’d have a better chance of not passing them onto my kids.

I already see the seeds of anger germinating in my boys. Their own tempers flaring. I see them clinging to their self-righteousness and taking longer to forgive. I see the narrowed eyes and hear the fighting words growled through clenched teeth. I see my dad, and me, in them.

And I know my own sad and shameful truths – how part of me was glad when my dad died, grateful that he was taking his legacy of anger and control with him.

Or so I thought.

A funny thing about anger is that we are so quick to excuse one another for it. Especially in our current mom culture, I know that the comments on my story will be kind and compassionate, understanding. Others will relate to my experience and offer up their own anecdotes about when they’ve flipped out on their kids. I’ll be told I’m a good mom and that everyone does it and tomorrow is a new day.

And, I get it. I do it, too. I’d rather console and reassure another woman, shower her with grace, than fuel her sense of condemnation and judgment. I know she already feels bad about what happened. My desire is to ease her pain, but not necessarily sit with her in it.

But anger is so incredibly destructive. It destroys families over and over and over. It ruins relationships. It kills marriages. It loses jobs. It severs friendships. The effects of anger radiate out from the source and wreak havoc far beyond what we can immediately see.

And still we are so gracious to each other when we fall.

There are other things, more taboo topics, that are not so easily discussed in Christian circles. Affairs, divorce, abortion, pornography, premarital sex, same-sex attraction… They tend to remain secret struggles, because they are met with far less mercy, compassion, and understanding than our anger.

Why is that?

Why are we willing to share our stories of anger with our Bible Study groups and friends but are unwilling to confess our struggles in these other areas?

What is it that sets them apart?

And why will we so easily and readily identify ourselves with the ongoing sin of anger, but avoid or speak vaguely in conversations that might reveal deeper issues of the heart?

Scripture calls us to “confess our sins to one another” but is all confession welcomed in your circle? Would you feel comfortable revealing your secret shame to fellow believers? Would you feel uncomfortable if they revealed theirs?

How vulnerable are you willing to be with your sisters in Christ?

And. perhaps more importantly, how vulnerable are they able to be with you?

Healing our own wounds is really important, but if we are truly going to grow as the body of Christ, we have to be willing to hear and help heal the wounds of others – and not just those that are easiest for us to bear.

Do you feel that the church/believers are a safe place for you to share those deep dark places of your heart? When it comes to difficult things in your past, how open and honest are you with other Christians? Do you feel fully known? Are you a safe place for other women to share their hearts without fear of judgment or condemnation?