Being brave when your fears and inexperience embarrass you

This post was originally published on a blog I have with my husband – Southwest Family Adventures – but I wanted to share here, too, because this struggle with fear and self-defeating thoughts is something I know we deal with as believers. This year I am focusing on choosing FAITH over FEAR and this trail run felt like another step in that direction. How are you choosing faith over (silly) fears or limitations today?

Have you ever done something that felt really really BRAVE to you but also made you feel kind of stupid because you were afraid of it or it was a challenge?

That’s what I’m calling “stupid-brave.” 

And, I’m embracing it.

Today, I ran on a new-to-me trail. It took me into canyons I’d never been into, and back behind hills I’d never explored, aaaannnnd I was pretty much terrified the whole time. First, it was near dusk – and everyone knows that’s when the mountain lions and coyotes like to hunt (right?), and second, it’s spring, which is when the bears come out of hiding and need some slow, easy snacks. I spent the entire time anxiously looking up at the rocks and outcroppings above me, sure that a mountain lion was stalking my every move. Because I’m out of shape, in training I did a lot of walking, but I didn’t get eaten, so I’m calling it a win.

When I made it back into civilization, I felt a surge of light rush through me and I smiled, realizing I was really proud of myself. I had explored a new trail, alone, and I’d come out alive. I barely stopped myself from fist-pumping. Almost immediately, my inner critic began its chastisement – “what a stupid thing to be proud of.  Normal people run/hike/bike/ these trails all the time. You’re such a paranoid scaredy-cat.”

And because self-help stuff is one of my passions and I’m familiar with these kinds of voices now, I refused to give into the attack.

Which made me wonder – Why are we so hard on ourselves? Why can we not let ourselves celebrate the little (or big) wins that are unique to us? When you do something stupid-brave, why not embrace it and recognize it as a baby step to a better, more powerful YOU?

There are always going to be people out there who are doing bigger, better, braver, riskier, crazier, more adventurous things than you (unless you’re Elon Musk, perhaps), but that doesn’t mean that the little steps of bravery you and I take are inferior or less courageous. We are all wired differently.  What is easy and nonchalant for YOU may feel like jumping off a cliff to ME.  What I do without giving it a second thought might feel like an epic undertaking for YOU. 

Here’s a real-life example. A few weeks ago, my husband made me a birthday cake. Unbeknownst to me, he had never made a cake before. I offered to give him a recipe, one I’ve used several times, but he deemed the instructions insufficient – “it doesn’t tell you how to mix it, or what the batter is supposed to look like,” He explained as he began googling youtube videos of expert pastry chefs. I stared at him, surprised – this is a man who once saved his own life while rappelling down an icy waterfall, and who convinced two friends they should sail halfway around the world. Over the course of the entire day, he painstakingly studied his youtube video, watching and re-watching the chef, bemoaning the fact that we didn’t have a kitchen-aid mixer, and agonizing that the texture of his icing was not looking like it did on the screen. I felt incredulous – my brilliant, engineer, do-anything-he-puts-his-mind-to, calm-in-an-emergency husband looked confused and unsure of himself as he stirred frosting.

I had finally discovered something that was easy, and non-stress-inducing for me, but seemed like a complex mystery to him.

We all have our challenges.

But when we step up and face those challenges, we should be proud!

I’m not sure why we undercut our achievements, even as minor as they may be. For various reasons, we struggle to accept that we aren’t better/stronger/etc than we are and yet we can’t accept, either, our status of becoming.  I’m definitely guilty of wanting to skip that part. I just want to already BE that person I believe I should or could be.  I don’t want to admit that I’m not there yet. The tiny burst of pride I feel at conquering some fear or challenge or activity that others might think of as silly, strangely magnifies my sense of being a failure. The greater my feelings of pride, the louder the inner critic shouts “It wasn’t that big of a deal!” And the only way I know how to respond is to say – “Yes, it was. To me.”  

I am a better person tonight for having run on that new trail.  I overcame my fears and had the courage – as dumb as that sounds – to keep running despite my anxieties whispering in my ear.  I will keep doing things stupid-brave and not be ashamed of it. I will celebrate those moments when I muster the courage to push back against my limitations and be proud of who I am becoming.  I will not let that sneaky voice tell me that my overcoming is meaningless because whatever my fear or challenge was should have already been overcome, or better yet, never existed in the first place.

But, the truth is – I am scared of a lot of things. My life has been one long journey of slowly and continuously beating down my fears, only to have them pop up again. They stalk me, like my imagined mountain lion today, invisible, but constantly present. And, although they will rise up tomorrow, tonight I am going to embrace my stupid-brave and celebrate the small battle I won out there on the trail.

What stupid-brave things have you done lately? Did you celebrate your however-small wins? What keeps you from enjoying the process of becoming?