Book Review: Fighting For Your Marriage While Separated by Linda W. Rooks
I got “married” for the first time when I was 8 years old. The sidewalk teemed with soap bubbles as I walked slowly – step.step. pause. step.step. pause. – down the concrete aisle towards the literal boy next door that I was smitten with. Alas, our ceremony was interrupted and he moved away shortly after that.
22 years later, I walked slowly down another aisle, towards the man I was truly pledging my life to. It felt like a fairy-tale, getting married on his family’s farm, twinkly white lights strung across the lawn, our close friends and family surrounding us.
Now almost 10 years into our marriage, I fully understand that it is NOT a fairy-tale. Marriage is HARD. Fusing two lives together in nearly every way can be painful and uncomfortable. As thankful as I am for this man I get to call my husband, there have been times when I have been ready to throw in the towel and just say I AM DONE. God has used every opportunity to change my heart, to stretch me and grow me, and teach me what it really means to be a living sacrifice. But it has not always been easy.
I’m glad that we have never reached a point where we have really considered calling it quits. But I know that there are a lot of people out there whose marriages are on the rocks.
In Linda W. Rooks’ book, Fighting for Your Marriage While Separated – A Practical Guide for the Broken-Hearted*, she tackles the difficult circumstances when one spouse has left or has asked for a divorce or separation. Although I’m not in this situation, I appreciated her constant reminders that marriage is not really about you and your spouse – it is about you and God. And references to God appear a lot in this book. There is an assumption that the reader is a Bible-believing Christian or at least open to the idea of becoming one. While it is heavily faith-based, much of the advice offered here would be appropriate and applicable for anyone.
All throughout the book, Rooks cautions the reader that we need to have the right hearts when dealing with our spouses. We cannot take a stance to emotionally manipulate each other nor act purely on a surface level when it comes to our faith. In order for there to be real change in yourself or in a relationship, you must be sincerely committed to God and ready to submit to Him completely. Rooks speaks from experience as she and her husband went through a 3-year separation before restoring their relationship. She points out that there is no guarantee that a marriage can be saved just because one, or even both, of the spouses commits themselves to fighting for the marriage. The guidance and suggestions she offers will go far in improving your chances, but it is only God who can heal broken hearts and salvage a relationship.
I found it helpful that Rooks opens each chapter with a real-life problem, comment or question from someone else whose marriage is struggling. I’m always a skeptic with topics like this, and these true-to-life snippets lend a credibility to Rooks’ experience and remind the reader that they are not alone in their suffering and confusion. The examples come from both men and women who have fought for their marriages, trying to apply the approaches laid out in the book. Rooks does a good job of making sure that neither sex comes across as the “bad one.” She recognizes that women are just as likely to request a separation as men and neither sex is exempt from making poor decisions that affect the relationship. Rooks also goes out of her way to intermix her use of the terms “mate,” “partner,” and “spouse,” so even people who may not be legally married won’t feel excluded by the book.
Fighting for Your Marriage While Separated, like the title suggests, assumes the reader WANTS to fix the relationship. It’s important to note that Rooks doesn’t offer much in the way of discussion in determining whether it’s healthy or advisable to remain in the relationship. Aside from briefly addressing the issue of spousal abuse, she doesn’t delve deep into healing oneself of childhood or other latent traumas. If you have decided to fight for your marriage, Rooks offers clear, practical suggestions for what that can look like in real-life. She covers communication with your spouse, self-care, counseling, helping your children, and navigating the murky waters of subsequent relationships. Perhaps even more helpful, though, she walks you through every stage of separation with compassion– from those first days after a spouse leaves or mentions divorce, to becoming friends, to dating, to living together again, and beyond.
As a most-of-the-time happily married woman, I found the chapter on marriage counseling really helpful! We have tried counseling in the past and, to be honest, it was awful. I felt like my concerns went unheard and the counselor simply had an agenda she followed regardless of what the couple said or needed. It was NOT a positive experience for me and after only a few sessions, we didn’t go back. Nor did any of our issues get resolved or improve. After reading Rooks’ book, I saw where we had gone wrong. I had never thought to “interview” the counselor to see what their stance on marriage was or what approaches they used. I had never thought about whether the counselor, though certified, would be able to accurately assess a relationship and recognize that there were actually THREE elements that needed to be tended to: husband, wife, AND the marriage. I was taking notes on this chapter and re-thinking if we should try counseling again, with a different counselor.
As an attorney who has walked families through the divorce process, I found the chapter on Children to be right on point. It is so easy for a parent to vent their anger, frustration, confusion, fear, or grief onto their children. Even those parents who are more mindful can unintentionally contribute to their kids’ anxiety during the separation or divorce. Rooks gives helpful and practical insights into dealing with your kids. Her own daughter writes a portion of the chapter, talking about her parents’ separation from her own point of view and her professional experience counseling other kids through similar situations.
Overall, I feel like this book was more helpful for ME than I expected it could be! I had the privilege to review it and, although I’m not the anticipated audience, it still struck a nerve. Rooks’ constant emphasis on our desperate need to connect with God – intimately, regularly, and intentionally – will encourage any reader to deepen their spiritual relationship. It’s true that our human relationships – even in a good marriage – will fail us, cause us pain, and never provide the soul-deep satisfaction we all crave. Only God can meet us in the depths and offer us a never-ending, all-abiding, ever-satisfying love.
The one question I continue to struggle with that, disappointingly, Rooks didn’t directly address was, “What about me?” When Matt and I are at odds, or I feel like I have been giving and sacrificing my needs in order to meet his, I can become resentful and bitter. The advice, most often, is prayer and a reminder that we need to consider others above ourselves. Throughout the book, there are multiple reminders to respect the other spouse, not talk negatively about them, and to continue to hold yourself to the highest standard. All of this is good advice. But when you are the one who is striving to maintain this standard of behavior and doing the hard work of giving and growing and loving, I’d think it would be natural to ask, “What about ME?” Who is loving ME? Who is taking care of ME? Who is looking after MY needs?” Rooks does recommend establishing “heart guards” to ensure that you are not taken advantage of or treated poorly by the other spouse. She notes the benefit of community and finding the support of friends, church, and family. And, of course, she encourages the reader to find their total satisfaction in God. But, I still wish that she had gone even deeper into what to do when you find yourself entering that self-pitying, resentful, bitter, and incredibly lonely zone, as I can be prone to do.
If your marriage is struggling, or you are in the midst of separation or divorce, I would highly recommend this book. It is a solid biblical approach to what it means to fight for your marriage. All of her suggestions are very practical and applicable: You will walk away feeling like you know what to do and how to handle difficult situations. The advice offered will not only lead you into a deeper relationship with God, but it will help you grow as a person and re-discover sides of yourself that may have faded into the backdrop of your relationship. The questions at the end of each chapter will hold you accountable for taking concrete actions and guide you in keeping a healthy mindset. Additionally, Rooks provides a host of helpful and accessible resources throughout the book for the reader to consider if they want or need more insights or advice. If this book interests you, you might check out Rooks’ previous work, “Broken Heart on Hold: Surviving Separation.”
*I received this book as compensation for my honest review. All opinions are my own.
