When the parent you want to be is not the parent you are…
“I hate you, Mama!”
“I hate myself! I’m so stupid….”
“I wish I was in a different family!”
“I feel like you don’t love me!”
My kids are all under the age of 8, yet I’ve been hearing these words, these ideas, spoken by them in various ways every day. Although I have never said anything like this to them, they have discovered the power of words and fling them around like arrows targeting this mama’s weary heart.
And it makes me cry.
It makes me feel like a horrible parent. It makes me feel like an awful mother. It makes me feel like I have no business calling myself a follower of Jesus. It makes me so sad that my children are even capable of having these thoughts – that their little minds can piece together these concepts, their little hearts feel and wield this hurt, and their little mouths erupt with such anger and sadness and fear towards themselves and others. It makes me worry about them and their hearts. It makes me wonder where its all coming from and, hardest of all, how much of their anger and bitterness I am truly responsible for.
I look at my bookshelves: “One Thousand Gifts,”, “The Life-giving Home,” “The Nesting Place,” “Peaceful Parents, Peaceful Kids,” “Loving the Little Years, “Homeschooling with a Meek and Quiet Spirit,” “Sacred Chaos,” “Knowledge of the Holy,” “Pursuit of Holiness.” All these books promoting my intentions, my ideals, of having a home and a heart that pours out grace and peace and forgiveness and love and kindness.
I feel the tension between my desires and my reality like a rubberband pulled taut, then snapping hard against my heart – you’ve failed, you’ve lost, your home is anything but grace-filled and calm and pleasant and cozy and Christ-centered.
The accuser whispers constantly, “How can you call yourself a christian mother when your kids have learned this language of hate and when your anger and your ways have demonstrated that yelling and hitting and fighting and storming off are reasonable ways to respond? You are such a poor example of Jesus. If your kids don’t turn to Christ, it will be All.Your.Fault.”
And I should respond with a rebuke. I should respond with what I know to be true – that, yes, God hates my sin, but He loves me. He will never forsake me. And, yes, God calls me to teach my children His ways and be an example to them, but God is the one who changes hearts; God is the only One who can rescue; God is the only One who can call my children to Himself.
But, instead, I cry and I complain and I retreat into silence, feeling defeated and crushed, and like I want to throw in the towel and resign from being a parent.
But God doesn’t give up on me. I can sense the quiet comfort – you are not alone. I can read His encouragement – The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning! (Lamentations 3:22-23
In the tension between my desires and my reality, there resides a steadfast love and never-ending mercies, unfailing compassion, and fresh opportunities every day to demonstrate His faithfulness.
The KJV states it like this, “It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.” God’s mercies and His compassion for us prevent us from having to stay in that dark, desolate place where our sins would consume our souls. Jesus’ sacrifice has paved the way for us to receive those great mercies, and to kneel before God with confidence (!!) that we will be welcomed and given grace no matter how much we have failed.
Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:14-16)
I want to be better as a mom – to be more patient, to be kinder, to not yell at my kids, to become a more gracious, merciful parent like God is to me. But when I fail and my heart hurts with the words my kids say, or when they repeat something unkind back to me that I have said to them and I feel the pain anew, I don’t have to listen to that accusing voice that tells me I’m not good enough or that I am ruining my children forever. God is the God of redemption, the God of making a way where there seems to be no way. HE can redeem these moments of our lives. HE can draw my children to Himself no matter what kind of mother I am. HE can take my anger and my selfishness and renew my heart to be like His.
My responsibility in all of this is to recognize my own sin – my anger, my selfishness, my discontentment, my fear – and confess it to God and my kids (or whoever I have wronged) and actively and sincerely repent from it. I feel like this should be the easy part, but it’s often the hardest. I want to sit in my self-righteousness; I don’t want to die to myself; I want to justify my anger and my frustration. The only way for me to get past myself is to take everything to God in honest prayer.
God, I’m so mad right now. Why don’t they listen to me? Why is it that they never do what I ask them to do? I hate having to deal with their bad attitudes! Every time they whine and complain and push back, it makes me so angry! I don’t want to do this anymore! I cannot handle this!
And almost always, His kindness in allowing me to rail hard against Him transforms my heart. The anger begins to melt, the frustration ebbs, the cold stone inside gives way to a flood of heat as the tears surface.
Lord, give me patience. I don’t want to be this way. Take away my angry heart, help me to not yell at them. Help me to love them. Help me to be a mom who looks for the best in them and is tender and loving. Make me more like you, God. You are quick to listen and slow to anger, you restore and give us grace and mercy over and over and over again. Forgive me, Father, for giving in to my flesh and for not shepherding these precious gifts as You would have me do. Forgive me… and, God, please let them forgive me. Please protect my children from my anger and selfishness. Please let them see YOU and follow after YOU despite what they see in me…
I am so much a work in progress, I sometimes even get mad about that. Why am I not changing faster!?!? But God is continually showing me all the ways in which I need to grow and what I can learn from this season of life. He is teaching me just HOW MUCH I need to rely on Him literally every second. This morning I was thinking about Jesus’ life on earth and how His thought-life must have been just one constant conversation with God… “Is this who You want me to heal? what do I say to these people? Give me your words.. Where do you want me to go? Thank you for your guidance… Give me the strength… Father, I’m tired, help me go on….”
I want to mimic this – to be in constant conversation with God about what is happening in my life. Tapping into His love and goodness and wisdom as much as I possibly can. Clinging to the vine with all my might, knowing the pruning is painful but the fruit will be worth it.
Are there things in your life that are getting you down? How do you turn to God to lift you up? What scriptures do you use to remind yourself of who God is? Are you being honest with God in your prayers?
Please share your encouraging words in the comments!
