A sacrifice of thanksgiving

A few years ago, I was really struggling in our marriage.  On the surface everything looked ok, but I was really unhappy. My husband knew it.  We had been having conversations for at least a year about issues in our marriage and how we could improve our relationship. There were days when all I could think about was how much I wanted out. But – I’m a Christian, I’m not supposed to walk out on my husband, right?*** 

To be honest, back then I often felt suffocated by my faith. I was drowning in the constant reminders to consider others’ needs above my own, to do all things without complaining or arguing, to love selflessly, to be a godly example… I failed at all of these standards, regularly, every single day, and felt ashamed and guilty – not only for falling short, but for not wanting to meet them in the first place.  

After church-hopping for a while, I had started attending a small church near our neighborhood.  The music was fantastic. The worship team was very small and led, somewhat surprisingly, by an 18-year old kid.  He was brilliant.  He had a pleasant voice, but it was his humble attitude and gentle guiding through the songs that really made all the difference.  One Sunday, he was leading us in an acoustic version of Crowder’s “How He loves.”  I had just been looking at the selected Psalm for the day – Psalm 116  and verse 17 was stuck in my mind.  

“I will offer to You the sacrifice of thanksgiving, and call on the name of the Lord.” 

In conjunction with the lyrics of the song and the words of this verse, I felt a rising within me, like something trying to speak… I mulled the phrase “sacrifice of thanksgiving” over and over in my mind. What does that mean?  A sacrifice – a giving up of something; thanksgiving – gratitude, acceptance, joy, being thankful.  As this young, faithful teenage boy sang, the music filled my soul:

And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way that He loves us

And I experienced a new understanding of what it is to offer a sacrifice of thanksgiving – to give thanks even when I don’t want to; To give thanks for things I have but maybe don’t want; To give thanks for those things I currently see as regrets; To sacrifice my own understanding and my own ways and my own control and my own feelings and thoughts – to lay them all down at the feet of Jesus and accept the life He has planned for me, accept the people He has given me, accept the problems and the pain, accept the hard, accept the challenges, accept those parts of my life that didn’t turn out like I’d thought or hoped or planned they would, and

say THANK YOU.

As I started to pray, I sensed the battle within – the fight between self and soul. It was the reluctant relinquishing of my stronghold on anger and bitterness giving way to the pull of grace and mercy and peace.  I thanked God for my husband, for his love for me even when I’ve been so unloving to him, for our marriage and the way God had brought us together.  I thanked God for all of the amazing qualities in my husband, for the life God had given us, for the struggles in our marriage and the ways it was stretching my faith. I thanked God for His promise that He would work our relationship for good, that He could mend hurting hearts, and for how He was using Matt to bring so many good things into my life. I asked for forgiveness for questioning the goodness of God’s plan, for not trusting Him with my marriage, and for not believing that there was a purpose in this mess.

In Holding Onto Hope, Nancy Guthrie wrote,

But because I believe God’s plans for me are better than what I could plan for myself, rather than run from the path He has set before me, I want to run toward it. I don’t want to try to change God’s mind – His thoughts are perfect.  I want to think His thoughts. I don’t want to change God’s timing – His timing in perfect. I want the grace to accept His timing.  I don’t want to change God’s plan – His plan is perfect.  I want to embrace His plan and see how He is glorified through it.  I want to submit. 

That day, I chose to believe. I decided to run towards God’s plan for my marriage instead of running away from it. It didn’t mean that things instantly improved, but in my heart, I turned towards Christ and gave up all other options. Giving thanks is one way of submitting to God. We naturally want to say thank you for all of those positive, wonderful gifts in our lives – the things that make our lives easier, more comfortable, more rich, more successful.  But to say thank you when life is hard, when people are dying and jobs are lost, when relationships struggle, when you really do not want the very thing God is asking you to be thankful for… that is a true sacrifice of thanksgiving and it will break your heart open.

As Ann Voskamp describes in The Broken Way, “Thanksgiving precedes the miracle”…. The miracle happens in the breaking of our sense of control, our sense of loss, our sense of entitlement and fairness.  We let go of all of it and give thanks and wait for God to move.

This morning, my husband hugged me and told me that he loved it when I felt loved, and he is now reading “The Five Love Languages” so we can better understand what each other’s is. I know we still have a ways to go in repairing the hurts between us, but I am overwhelmed with gratitude that I did not choose to go my own way that Sunday in church three years ago.  I am so thankful that God re-oriented my understanding of the sacrifice of thanksgiving and that His Spirit has consistently been leading me into grace and out of resentment.

What hard things do you need to give thanks for? 

I’d love to hear your hearts on what sacrifices of thanksgiving God is asking you to make.

*** As a conscientious writer, I do not want to imply in any way that a woman should stay in a marriage where abuse, shame, manipulation or fear is part of the equation.  These relationships are not beyond God’s grace, but they clearly are not safe to remain in. If you are in such a relationship, please ensure that you and your children are safe! God can heal marriages but He needs to heal your individual hearts first.