Trusting God when you are afraid

I am afraid of the dark. I am afraid of a lot of things, but fear of the dark – and, particularly, being alone in the dark – is one of my more paralyzing fears. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been convinced that someone is out to get me – not just steal my stuff, but stalking me with the intent of raping, murdering, torturing me and/or the ones I love. I realize that these irrational thoughts are fueled by my anxiety, an over-active imagination, and my upbringing as a sheriff officer’s daughter. Whatever the cause, those YA novels and scary movies of my youth are played out in my mind the minute the sun goes down.

When I am home alone, of course, the fear intensifies. There is a now-funny story about my husband once coming home early from a trip only to find metal spoons and jingle bells tied haphazardly onto a string that ran from the doorknob of our patio door to the leg of our kitchen table.  Prior to his arrival, I’d felt quite proud and secure with my makeshift intruder alarm.  Through his eyes, though, I saw it for the exaggerated, irrational fear it represented….  especially since we lived in a third floor apartment.

I have yet to find a way to overcome the panic that stirs inside after 10pm. My feelings of helplessness and powerlessness increase tenfold once the lights go out. Multiple people have suggested I take self-defense classes, or learn to handle a gun, or get a dog, or sleep with a knife under my pillow… and, yes, doing some combination of those things might make me feel better, but I know what the real problem is:

I don’t fully trust God.

I say that I believe my days are numbered.

I say that I believe God is real.

I say that I believe God is in control.

I say that I believe God loves me.

I say that I believe God is good.

I say that I believe God’s presence is enough.

But, in the black of night, I question the goodness of a God who doesn’t promise to protect His people from suffering and pain. 

Yes, God promises to protect our soul and eternal salvation, but there is no guarantee of physical protection. in fact, Jesus guarantees us the opposite.

My dad was a sheriff’s officer. Without doubt, he would have given his life for me if necessary, and, everyday, he willingly put his life on the line for others. Keeping me physically safe was one way he showed his love.  As a parent myself, my first instinct, perhaps the purest one, is to guard my children, and keep them from harm. Love without safety confuses me.

But in this confusion and on-going struggle for peace when i’m at my most vulnerable, I am pressing forward to faith – searching scriptures for those that speak to my soul, to the heart of the matter.  I must cling to these principles: 

1) Nothing else is secure. “Some trust in chariots, some trust in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord.” Psalm 20:7   We can put our faith in guns, dogs, alarms,  baseball bats, locks on doors… but, ultimately, we need to put our faith in God.  We need to be confident in His plan for our life, that no matter what happens, His hand is over it all.

2) God’s presence brings peace. “Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand.” Isaiah 41:10.  I’ll admit I sometimes find this concept hard to understand. But the other night, God offered me a glimpse into its truth.  My little one, only 3, has been sleeping on the floor next to our bed for months now.  Even though I am less than 2 feet away from him, he will sometimes call out, “Mama? I’m scared!” and my default answer is always, “It’s ok. Mama’s right here.”  My expectation, my offer, is that my presence is sufficient. Just like what God promises to us. I think about all the times when my kids have received shots, or have been hurt on the playground, or are having a nightmare.  I reassure them of my presence and it brings them peace.  It doesn’t take away their pain or even prevent it, but just knowing I am there gives them comfort. God’s ultimate promise to us is that He will never leave us or forsake us. His presence is our peace.

3) No matter the circumstances, there is always grace. I love hearing about how God redeems trials and pain.  Stories of those who have endured horrific events and yet come out praising God on the other side.  It doesn’t always happen, though. When I am feeling scared, I try to remember that God can – and will! – work all things together for good for those who love Him. He can use anything and everything, even painful moments, to draw us closer to Him. One of my favorite quotes is “There is no grace for your imagination.” It was spoken by a faithful 80 year old woman on the God-Centered Mom podcast (now “Don’t Mom Alone”).  Her point was that all of those scary scenarios we concoct in our imaginations cannot possibly account for the grace that God promises us should any of those scenarios actually come about. Because God’s ways are higher than ours, we cannot conceive of the beauty or grace or mercy He will offer us in the darkest days of our lives. 

I cling to these truths and am trying to choose Courage over fear, Christ over control.  

Other verses that encourage me:

Psalm 56:3 – “When I am afraid, I will trust in you.”

Psalm 27:3 – “Though an army beseige me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident.”

Psalm 4:8 – “I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone O God make me to dwell in safety.”